i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
