Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
