My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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