everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I love having hate sex.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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