when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
