it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
