you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
