I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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