That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
