Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
