Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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