i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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