This dress was meant to end up on your floor
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just invented taco cereal.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
