dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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