Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
