Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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