I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
