I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize