Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
