I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
