why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
