Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
