Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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