I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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