Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
