if i can run in heels then i can drive
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
