sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
