handjob tips. give me some.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
