The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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