I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We left the knife in your bed.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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