My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
