do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
