no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
