The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
