smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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