you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
