I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
