You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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