I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize