Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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