Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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