so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
