she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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