pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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