You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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