my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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