Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
