I love black thongs
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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