He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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