Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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