Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
