She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
