happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
