Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
