Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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