Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
