this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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