Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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