It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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