Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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