i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
